overwhelmed and stressed

Hello Blogworld,

Sorry I have been absent.  Just didn't feel like I had anything to say worthwhile.  I am feeling pulled in    a million different directions at once.  Everyone needs me all at the same time.  And I can't catch a breath.  I have tried to talk to Miles about it. But he takes it as me blaming him and that is not what I am trying to do.  I just don't feel supported at all.  At work I need to be in charge and at home I am always hearing what I need to do for somebody else.   Yesterday I blew up at Miles.  We had run a couple of errands and I got to fish while Miles enjoyed a beer.  But I wound up sending him away from me cause he kept critizing me.  I need to practice casting and it was my first of the year.  But he kept asking if I wanted him to do it for me.  That doesn't help me learn how to do it.  I explained that nicely a few times.  We were there for a couple of hours.   As soon as we get home He asks me to straighten up my kitchen.  Seriously just stepping in the house.  And I blew up.  How do I clean if I can't be at home?  He had me out running him around all weekend so he could get out for awhile.  And the topper is that I couldn't empty the sink cause He needed to run the dishwasher.  I could run it but he says He wants to do it.  I had Mt. Washmore to tackle because he wanted to do his laundry.  So last night I just jumped in and did it.  And this morning I asked him about the dishwasher since I did laundry last night.  (Can't run both at the same time)  I actually had him do it right then so he wouldn't forget and I can get the house back on track.  Hopefully he will fold and put his laundry away while I am at work.  I would do it for him but he doesn't like that.  It makes him feel helpless.  So hopefully things will improve.  I also dropped out of school.  I can't juggle it all.  I want to but 3 fulltime positions are just too much for me.  I can't live with the anxiety attacks I am having.  Thanks for letting me vent.

Ellie

functioning as part of a couple not solo anymore

Hi Blogworld,

I just read that in an older post from the blog Finding Sara.  Wow it kinda hits me between the eyes.  I am trying to do both and it drives me crazy. There are times when Miles will need me to be a leader but most of the time he wants to be The man of the house.  At work I am definitely in a leadership role.  When it comes to my kids I am so used to being the leader.  A single Mom for 16 years it is really hard to hand over the reins.  And there are times that I just don't think Miles understands how to handle the kids feelings.  He can be really sarcastic and doesn't realize he hurts peoples feelings.  He thinks he is being funny and doesn't mean anything by it.  So I try to protect my babies and be Warrior Mom.  Last night we went and I bought a gas grill that was on sale.  We had talked about this and picked one out of the sale paper.  But when we got there I seen it was too small.   I mentioned to miles that I wanted to get the next size grill and why.  Usually he will balk at me spending more but this time he was fine with it.  He just said to get what I would be happy with.  He doesn't think we will use it much.  I have plans to start grilling when it reaches 60 degrees.  I love doing corn on the cob,  potatoes and some meat on the grill.  When we looked at the house I started planning back yard barbecues on the deck.  To me that is what summer is all about.  But I have gotten way off topic.  Functioning both as part of a couple and solo.  I need to stop but don't have a clue how.  I actually talked to Miles this morning about how I appreciated him not giving me a hard time about getting the bigger grill.  I see his point about how I like to shop.  He really feels he needs to save me from myself.  I guess I am learning to live outside survival mode.  For most of my life I have never had enough money.  Robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Now sharing a home with Miles I for the first time can start saving money.  I earn enough to pay my share of the expenses and then some.  I actually have started to pay off long past due debts.  Maybe someday I will have a credit score that isn't in the basement.
I know it isn't much but I started taking part of my employers 401k match.  It isn't much but it's a beginning. Maybe that is how I do this couple thing.  One step at a time, with every choice think how it will affect our life together or what choice I would want him to make.  Part of why I still act solo is his health.  I know it is very likely he will not be around for many more years.  Sucks but I fear having  to learn to stand on own without him.  So if I just keep standing on my own now I won't have to.  But it's driving me crazy so I need to relax and enjoy what God has given me.  Sorry if this post is very scattered but it has really helped me process thru this stuff.
Ellie

Happy Friday

Hi Everyone

I am hoping that everyone will have a good weekend.  I am hoping we will get to get out and relax over this weekend.  Lots of errands and I really want to get a jump start on my school work for next week.  Taxes have to get done soon too.  Luckily I will get a refund and plan to use part of it to fix up the bathroom.  The last owners really like brown.  I want something different. I get to plan out a new shower surround and pick out paint that goes with my tan counters, brown tile and tan sink and tub.  I guess I really need to figure out the color scheme for the house. It's all new to me.  Just grateful to be able to have a secure roof over our heads.  Much to be grateful for.

Swatted

Hi Everyone
Yep I got swatted while half asleep this morning.  I know I used a naughty word when he told me I needed to get up.  But it's Monday and I only got 4 hours sleep cause I was finishing up a final project for a class.  But I do know cussing is a pet peeve of his.  He really hates it when women swear.  Miles even brags that I don't have a filthy mouth to people.  My bad word would be another word for poop.  You see how terrible.  LoL...  We talked a little bit about it later and he mentioned that I have been slipping more lately.  I made a comment about being a good girl and not earning any swats.  So I will wait and see where he takes this.  I noticed that I seem to relax more and not get as anxious when he takes charge.  I mentioned it to him.  And I know that man listens to me.  Even told me to get to work on homework after dinner.  And yes I am working on reading the chapters.  I would appreciate any tips on time management and study habits cause I need them.  I am going to be very busy with school, work and keeping up on the house and don't want to let him down.  I see that people are lurking how bout saying hi!  I promise to be nice.
Elle

Wow what a week

Hi There
Welcome to my little corner of blogworld.  Well it's Saturday night and I am kinda reviewing my week.  Lots happened.  I am kinda still reeling from some stuff.  Last Sunday I went with my kids to a family birthday party.  Miles hasn't met my family and may never because of last summer.  I wish he would but I understand his point of view.  Well I had noticed my face looking different, my  right eye didn't look right.  It appeared to droop.  My sister noticed it and asked about it. I told I noticed it the day before but didn't know what was up with it.  She talked to our older sister about it later on.  And Big sister called and ordered me to go see a doctor.  I had planned on it cause I was afraid it was some kind of stroke.  She has some issues so there is cause worry.  While she was on the phone I started asking about our mom.  Mom died when I was really little.  Big sister let on that Mom might not have had a heart attack.  Nobody knows for sure but there are clues it could have been an overdose.  Back then you had to ask for an autopsy.  Dad didn't want to know.  But I am floored never ever dawned on me.  Miles has been awesome helping me deal with this.  And it is tough.  Why would she choose to leave me and not see me grow up?  It really plays into my feelings of abandonment and that everyone eventually just walks away from me.  I know I have issues over this stuff.  How to deal and heal, I have no clue.  Please speak up if you know the answer or a suggestion.  I would really appreciate it.  So I go to the Dr the next day and my face problem is Bell's Palsy and I have a mild case that should heal up.  I got medicine and a follow up for a month from now.  Good news to me.  Today Miles and I go shopping and run errands.  I had a picture to get framed at our local craft store.  So while I was waiting on that I find a picture frame with a saying that Miles tells me.  I loved you yesterday and today I love you still  Always have and Always Will.  He says Always have Always Will.  I had to have it.  But it had spots for 4 pictures and I didn't know where I would put it.  So we found the saying in a decal form we can put on the wall.  Miles loved that I got so excited about this.  But it's us and means the world to me.  He makes me safe and secure.  I think I have been looking for it all my life.  I really freak out when I don't feel secure with our relationship.  I think it is why I want marriage.  The commitment is not easily broken.  He doesn't get why it's important to me.  But I have had so many people walk away from me.  I really never felt like I was where I belonged.  But this feels like home He  is my rock and always there for me.  No matter how hard I try to push him away some times.  I read on a blog about a wife pushing to see if her husband will push back and take control.  That really clicked with me.  I can see where I have pushed Miles button to see what he will do.  This morning I got really sassy and he mentioned not liking my smart mouth as we left the grocery store for the car.  I kinda walked ahead so he would watch my bottom and said Too bad you can't find a way to control me!  I was to far ahead to hear his reply.  So was it a clue?
Elle

Feeling loved and cherished

Hi Everyone

Sorry about being away so long.  I was reading but didn't have anything to say.   About 2 weeks ago, Miles and I were running errands and I mentioned how I would like for us to start doing something fun together like Bingo or something.  Dang if that man of mine didn't find a place for us to go play bingo sometime.  I could not  believe when he showed me the ad in the newspaper.  I let him know what his listening and paying attention meant to me.  And then he blew me away this morning. Yesterday we talked about my son needing a new computer.  This morning Miles just walked into the kitchen and told me that when we get the tax refund I will get a new computer and pass my old one down to my son.  My jaw just hit the floor.  Handling it that way never dawned on me.  I walked over and gave that man and huge hug and thanked him.  I told him know how much I appreciate him just handling things and taking charge.  Sadly he told me that he tries but I shoot him down.  I asked him to please keep trying and don't let me get in the way.  It is truly what I want.  Will this lead to a DD relationship ?  I don't know but I think he will definitely be taking more of a stand on things.  I just know I am a very lucky girl who is loved and cherished.

Elle

Life is full of surprises

Hi There

Lately I have been doing a lot of praying.  Praying for wisdom, to know God's will and for Miles and the kids.  I think seeking Him is really working for me.  Today I woke up to the fact that Miles and I have the love story I have always dreamed of.  He gets me like nobody else.  And loves me anyway.  He actions speak it so loudly when I bother to slow down and listen. I am such a lucky woman.  I get to wake up everyday to a man who truly loves me.  He says "Always have, Always will",  and means it completely   He told me this morning that he started caring for me as soon as he met me.  It took me a lot longer to see him in that light.  But I feel like while I was busy living and planning for the future, being a good person my life changed around me without me noticing and I got what I have always wanted.  How does that happen?  I just can't believe it.  How do I show him how much I appreciate him and all the little things he does for me?  He is always thinking of me.  Puts me first without making a big deal of it.  Just makes me want to cry when I think of how much I have taken him for granted.  That's going to change.
Ellie